My Promise To You
by LornaCat
Summary: Letters written between Sawyer and Juliet, set during/inspired by season 6. Spoiler warnings - Ch1: 6x01, Ch2: none/AU, Ch3: 6x13. Ch4: 6x14. Ch5: none/AU Ch6: none/AU. Ch7: 6x16 - The End
1. Juliet

_Juliet,_

_I'm writing you a letter, because I won't be able to tell you these things in person. You're gone, Blondie, and I don't know what I'm going to do without you. _

_Who woulda thought we'd end up together? A classy doctor like you shacking up with a lowlife like me? The truth is, as it stands now, I can't remember what it was like before I loved you. Maybe it was shared experience, getting left behind as the latest plan to get us off the island went up in smoke yet again. Once I realized what we had, I fell so hard and so fast for you, it got to be like we'd known each other forever. Damn...maybe we have. We did travel through time together, didn't we?_

_All you had to do was put a hand on my shoulder, or say my name, and I'd realize there were more important things going on than yelling at Faraday about his crazy plans. I looked in your eyes after we lost Locke, and you made it okay for me to let go of that rope and move on. You had a power over me. Hell, the first time we met you damn near killed me with that taser. I should have known then I'd belong to you for the rest of my life. Cool as a cucumber, cooler even. I can't call you an ice cube though, cause I've seen you in bed. There was fire behind those steady blue eyes of yours, and I want to thank you for letting me in and sharing it with me._

_Even with that power, you never tried to control me. That day everyone left, we were equals. Just two sad souls on the losing side of a battle that none of us understood. While everyone kept making their speeches and making plans, you and I were just trying to survive another day, and maybe save a few lives along the way. We both know I was mooning over someone else in those early days of living in Dharmaville, but when I think back to that smile you gave me over your shoulder, when you said my idea was stupid...well, it makes me smile too. You weren't afraid to challenge me, but when you did it, it wasn't a fight. It was wisdom. _

_I know what you went through before we met. You told me all about it. So I know exactly how strong a woman you had to be to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Seeing that strength in you, it made me want to keep trying. You were the reason I didn't give up. _

_You had a chance to leave. You wanted to, even though it was 1974 and you'd still be lost no matter where the submarine took you. I asked you for two weeks. You gave me three years. In those three years I learned more than I did in the last thirty, about myself, about women, about being a leader without losing what it means to be part of a team. That was all you, baby. You called me by the name my mama gave me, and you didn't do it to manipulate me or make me feel small. You did it because you respected me. You made me feel like a man, someone that was capable of good and not scared of real love. And boy, did I love you. I still love you, and I always will. _

_Even though I can't say these things to you now, I had to tell you how much you mean to me, and I had to tell you before I walk away from this grave because I want you to know I'm not giving up on you. With your last breath you said you had something to tell me, and you said it was very important. You went away before you could tell me, but I know what you were thinking. Yep...I made Miles tell me. I pushed his face into the dirt and made him talk to you. (I can see the look on your face now - the one you would have given me if you'd been there to see it. Sorry, Jules...you weren't there to tell me no.) _

_"It worked." That's what he told me. You were going to say it worked. I didn't know what it meant when I heard it. I was too angry to think, and like I said, you weren't there to keep my mind straight. "It worked." I can't be sure, since nothing is sure on this island except for how I feel about you, but I think that means you're out there somewhere, some version of you that's still alive and still remembers me and what we had. _

_I'm going to find you, Juliet. I promise. Because you always had my back, and I still got yours._

_I love you._

_James_


	2. James

_James,_

_I'm writing you a letter, because I can't tell you these things in person. I don't know where you are right now, and I don't know how to go on living without you._

_I made it home, James. I don't know how it happened, but the next thing I remember after falling down that shaft is waking up in a hospital in Los Angeles. My sister was there. She couldn't stop crying when they told her I was going to be okay. _

_I see you everywhere I go. I can't sleep, because you're not there to hold me. I miss your voice, and your hands, and your lips, and seeing you with your glasses reading one of the books Horace lent you. I miss cooking for you, and I miss being able to look into your eyes and smile because we were thinking the exact same thing. I miss wrapping my arms around you and knowing that no matter what happened that day, we'd be getting into bed together and forgetting every second that we'd spent apart._

_I miss you so much it hurts. I love you so much it hurts. I know I should be grateful that I'm still alive, and that I finally got to meet my nephew and see my sister with a full head of hair, but it's not the same without you here. I need you._

_I told my sister all about you, James. I told Rachel I'd fallen in love with the sexiest, strongest, most noble man I'd ever met, and that I was lucky enough to have him fall in love with me too. I told her how you protected me, how you tried your hardest to protect all of us from harm. Trust was a precious commodity on that island, and I trusted you with everything. My heart, my mind, my body and my soul. They still belong to you, and they always will. _

_You gave life in Dharmaville meaning. Being with you, it was as if my presence there finally made sense. I know you felt guilty for making me stay those first two weeks, since I'd been trying to leave those barracks for three years already. As time went by, I minded it less and less. And then I was in love, and nothing else mattered. I didn't care what year it was or who we were working for or if the world was going to end. With you there, always having my back, I finally felt like I wasn't alone. I think you know what that means, how hugely important that was to me. No man has ever made me feel as safe and understood as I felt with you. _

_I'm so sorry I left you. I should have held on tighter, but that chain around my waist hurt almost as much as the thought of losing you, and I wanted to make sure you would be safe before it was too late. Do those sound like excuses? I think they do, but you should know that even though I would do and give anything to see you again now, I was ready to die for you. Don't shake your head no - I know you would do the same for me._

_My greatest wish, the only thing I pray for, is that wherever you are, you still remember me and the life we shared. Because I'm going to find you again, and this time I'm going to hold on to you and never, ever let go. No matter what._

_I love you._

_Juliet_


	3. I Miss You, Baby

_Juliet,_

_I'm writing you another letter, because, honestly, there ain't much else to do right now. We've come to a stand still, but I've still got a plan to get off this rock. I think you'd like it, baby - it involves another god damn submarine. Sorry we never got to finish our cruise together. I know how excited you were to take the trip while you were awake._

_I had a dream about you last night. You told me you were pregnant, but that we couldn't have it because the island would take it away from us anyway. You told me it was okay to let it go. I woke up and cried like a damn baby for the better part of an hour, because I knew you were lying. Even in my dreams you're still sacrificing._

_I didn't think a heart could hurt this much, especially not mine. I got so much pain I don't even know what to do with it. I'm so petrified of losing my memories of you, sometimes I have to close my eyes and think about your smile, and think about touching you. I'd do anything to touch you again. I miss you so much, and if I forget a single thing about you I feel like I might lose my soul for good._

_In happier news, I finally got to see Jin and Sun back together. I thought you'd want to know, 'cause I know how much it would have meant to you to see them reunited. I still remember all those nights we stayed up, telling Jin over and over again that Sun was fine, that he'd see her again someday. Neither of us believed it, but we told him anyway, hoping it would keep him going another day. You were good at that, Jules. Making a person believe there was hope even when you didn't believe it yourself. I'm glad we were both wrong. Little Ji Yeon's got folks that love each other that much, I think they deserve more than anyone to find a way back home to her._

_I felt like a fool, watching them see each other for the first time in three years. There were smiles all around, and there I was, biting my tongue so hard I almost drew blood just to keep from crying. All I could think about was you._

_For a while I didn't know why I was still going. Momentum, maybe; it hurt too much to sit still. Or maybe I wanted some punishment. I was waiting for something to hurt me, or for something to happen that would get me killed. Then I realized that you might be watching over me, and I didn't want to dissapoint you. I don't want to let you down, not after all we went through. Remember how we said we weren't gonna let the island win? I'll tear it apart before I give up again, and I'm gonna do all I can to help these people because I know that's what you would have done. We would have done it together._

_It's hard to explain what's going on right now. I'm not sure I understand all of it myself, but I bet you wouldn't bat an eyelash if I told you the whole thing. Six years on Mystery Island sure gave you a level head about these kinds of things. Just one more reason to add to the millions why I miss you. I think I just don't care anymore what happens in this place, as long as I can keep me and my friends safe. I got my head straight, eyes forward, and I'm not lookin back 'til I know I won't see it behind me. _

_As crazy as things are right now, I still wish you were here, Juliet. I wish I could hold your hand and look into your eyes, and know we were safe as we sail off into the sunset and leave it all behind. I wish I could have kept you safe. _

_Well, looks like it's time to go; this motley crew is mobilizing. I'm prolly gonna write another letter when I get the chance. It feels good to talk to you, even if I can only imagine you smilin' back at me in response. Just know I'm still thinkin about you, every second of every day. I'm gonna be thinkin about you til I breathe my very last breath; you're the only reason I'm still breathing at all._

_I love you._

_James_


	4. Surviving

_Juliet,_

_I get it now, baby. I miss you more than ever, but I no longer wish you were here with me. I thought I'd stumbled into paradise when I got stuck with you, but now I know better. I know where we were, I know where I am now, and I know the greatest suffering I could face is knowing exactly why I deserve to be here. I'm facing it right now. _

_We lost three people today. I orphaned a little girl. I took her parents away from her. I've become who I hate, a second time. I'm not gonna take back what I said in my first letter, because that wouldn't be fair to you. But without you here, I'm starting to see my other face, the one you looked past and the one I can't bear to look at now that it's back. You were my good luck charm, must have been. My life just __worked__ with you in it. Losing you meant losing the best part of me. I lost you, and I lost our happy ending. I lost everyone's happy ending. _

_You were the sweetest god damned thing I ever came across in my whole life. The years I had with you, they feel like seconds now, like a moment in my life that I was given just to show me how miserable a man like me can get, how little I should have. I've done so many bad things in my life, I was a fool to think a few good deeds would even begin to make up for them. I'm trying so hard to hold on to all the memories I have of you. I'm trying to remember why a woman like you would even spend one second on a guy like me, but the shame I'm feeling inside is taking over. I thought I could make the hard decisions, but it turns out all my decisions were wrong if they led me to this place. _

_I kept asking myself, why did it have to be you? Why couldn't I be the one to die? I know the answer now. It's because you were taken away to heaven. That's where you belonged, not down here with me. You were never supposed to be on this island. The only comfort I feel now is that you don't have to be here anymore, that you don't have to watch me fall and fuck up everything we worked so hard to prevent. You died for us, for all of us, and we haven't forgotten that for a single second. I hope you're someplace real nice, baby. I hope you're sleepin on a cloud somewhere, watching your sister and her son smiling and laughing. I can't stand the thought of you watchin us, so please, if you can hear me, turn away. We'll be gone soon anyway._

_I woke up to the sound of people crying. A guy like Hurley shouldn't be made to cry. He never did nothin to nobody, except maybe to help the rest of us while we got everyone killed. I wonder if he's still around just to remind the rest of us - Jack, Kate and I - of what we'll never have again - pure heart or clean conscience. Cause I know now why the three of us are still alive._

_To suffer._

_I suffer for your memory, and I accept it. Hell, I welcome it. As long as I'm feeling something I know I'm still human, not like that monster back on the beach and not like whatever that monster did to Sayid and Claire. The pain reminds me I love you, and that you loved me. I can't remember exactly why, but you loved me. And that's still the only thing keeping me alive._

_I'm cryin too, Blondie. I don't know what to do. I keep thinkin about Jin staying in that sub, staying behind with his woman, and Lord help me, I envy him. I know, it's one more girl who's never gonna meet her daddy, but if it had been you and me I would've stayed too. No question._

_I lied - I do still wish you were here with me. I need someone to forgive me. I need someone I can trust, cause I don't trust myself. Not without you. And even if I trusted the people left here with me, I know they feel like me. Beaten up, unsure. We don't know what we're doing. I don't think we ever did. We're just doing the only thing we've ever done, the only thing we can, even if we don't know how or why - surviving. _

_I'm surviving because I love you, Juliet. And because I made a promise to you. I'm gonna see this thing through. I'm gonna see it through to the bitter end, because maybe all this suffering is eventually meant to end along with it. You're the light at the end of this tunnel. As long as I can hope to see you again someday, there's a reason to keep going. _

_I love you._

_James_


	5. Only In My Dreams

_James,_

_I'm sorry it took me so long to write to you again. I've been afraid to pick up a pen. I've been afraid to do a lot of things. Everything I do reminds me of you. I sleep with my first letter under my pillow, and I make a wish every night that I might dream about you. Even a nightmare isn't really a nightmare when I have you in it. Rachel keeps telling me I should see a psychiatrist, that I need to let go of whatever happened to me. But we both know that wouldn't do any good. Letting go is what got me here in the first place. I can't do it again._

_My wish came true, a few nights ago. I had a dream about you. About us. Until now I've been afraid to write it down, thinking it might jinx us somehow. Just like when I thought admitting my feelings for you would ruin things, or that saying "I love you" out loud would make you disappear. But then I began to fear what would happen if I didn't write it down, if I didn't tell someone about it. I was afraid I might forget. So, here I go..._

_Well, I should probably tell you what the first part of the dream was about. We were making love, and we agreed not to use any protection because we thought I couldn't have children. I wish I could describe to you how good it felt just to be held by you in this dream. It was like my entire body was filled with light. Your body was so, so warm, and I felt safe again. I probably don't have to mention that the sex was amazing. I dreamed about the whole thing in real time, too. Lucky me. :) _

_Then I found out I was pregnant. The best part of the dream (other than that first part) was that there was never any doubt in my mind that it was a good thing. It was like we'd won the lottery, or received a miracle. For some reason, Hugo was my doctor - he looked exactly the same as he did on the island, but...he was my doctor. He was the one that figured out I was pregnant, and then you and I went for a walk alone so I could tell you. We held hands, and you squeezed mine so tight it hurt, but in a good way. You were so happy, happier than you'd ever been in your whole life. You told me so, but you didn't need to. I knew it was true instinctively. I felt it inside of me, too. Your happiness was inside of me._

_The next part gets a little weird, but I think you'll enjoy it. Ben sent some of his people to kidnap me, or to kidnap the baby, but you didn't let them take either of us away. Everyone that showed up, you shot down or beat up without getting a scratch on you. Phil was there too; you punched him in the face until he begged you to stop. Then he asked you for his autograph. (!) You gave it to him, but I'm pretty sure you managed to insult him in the dedication. Like I said - weird. _

_Then some more people showed up, strangers, people I didn't recognize; it was getting pretty dire, but then I realized I could help you. We started to fight them off together. I felt so strong beside you, and it was like the baby inside me was giving me super powers. In the dream it made perfect sense. We were like Superman and Wonder Woman, and our baby was going to take over the world someday. _

_After all our enemies were vanquished, we laid down in bed together. You held me, and my stomach grew while we were sleeping. I remember this part so clearly. I thought it was real. I wish it had been real. You put your hand over my stomach and told me everything was going to be alright. Then you said you were going to name the baby Huey. I don't know why, but in the dream it seemed like the best idea you'd ever had. _

_I woke up after that, but I think I was still dreaming because I swear I could feel you next to me in bed. I reached for you, I tried to hold you, and when I realized you weren't there, the heart you'd healed in the dream shattered all over again, into a million tiny pieces that cut into me everywhere. The sense of loss I felt was so deep, and so complete. I felt empty. All that's left in me are tears now, James. I don't know how to make them stop._

_I'd name our baby any ridiculous name you want, if you'd only just come back to me. _

_I'm going to keep wishing, every night. I hope I see you in my dreams again soon, and when I do I hope I can sleep forever. Until then, please remember that I love you, with all my heart and soul. _

_I love you so much._

_Juliet_


	6. Keep Her Safe

_Dear James, _

_My name is Rachel Carlson. I'm not sure why I'm writing to you; to be honest, I'm not sure you even exist. But Juliet was convinced she'd spent three years with you; it was real to her, and in the end I suppose that's all that matters. _

_It feels strange apologizing to someone that might not exist, especially since this letter will never actually reach you, but I feel like I have to, for Juliet. I'm so sorry. She died three weeks ago and I don't know how else to let her go but to share this with the person she loved most in the world. _

_I've never met you, James. I only know what Juliet told me, and she told me quite a bit. You weren't just some guy she knew. You were a part of her. You were the light inside of her, that's what she kept saying. And when you got separated, the light inside of her went out. I used to get so frustrated, thinking she'd given up on life for this imaginary guy from this imaginary place I'd never be able to understand. Then she told me that, with you, she'd discovered what true love means. She discovered the meaning of her _life_. She said she'd experienced a beauty that most people only dream about, and even though she'd been left empty after losing you, she would never take back the time she had with you. She said to lose her memories of you would be to lose what kept her holding on when everything else had fallen apart. _

_So, even though her love for you eventually took her away from me, if you loved her and cared for her and helped her as much as she said you did, then dammit I love you too. _

_She died in her sleep, after taking too many sleeping pills. It wasn't suicide; there is no part of me that would believe she could do that to herself. Besides, the doctors said it was accidental, and I knew she wanted to live, she told me so. She wanted to keep remembering you, and she still believed there was a chance she might see you again. That's how strong her love was for you. Even while she was wasting away, she couldn't let go. I found her letters to you; she was holding them when she fell asleep for the last time. I realized after reading her last letter, the one about the dream she'd had, that she was only trying to see you again. _

_I never thought I'd survive my sister. I guess when someone helps you survive cancer, you think they're going to live forever. And I guess in a way she will; she's going to live forever in my heart, and if you are out there somewhere, still loving her and still thinking about her as much as she loved and thought about you, she's living in yours too._

_Wherever you are, James, _who_ever you are, I hope you're well. I know that's what Juliet would want for you. And I really hope she found you somehow. I know I'll see her again someday; until then, I want you to keep her safe. I think you're the only one that can._

_So this is our goodbye, mine and Juliet's. I'm sorry, but I'm also very grateful to you, James. Before she died, you brought my Jules back to life._

_Thank you._

_Rachel_


	7. Something To Look Forward To

A/N: Hi guys! **Thank you all so so so much** for your reviews and questions and kind words as I was writing these. This is the last letter I'm going to write for this fic; I'm going to concentrate on my other (happier) fics for a while :) Since I don't think I'd ever be able to write a goodbye letter from James, this last letter to Juliet is also from someone else...

_

* * *

_

_Dear Juliet, _

_I know we didn't know each other that well - I mean, first you were an Other, and then you were with us, and then I left the island, and then I came back and BLAMMO, you were like, living with Sawyer, all happy and stuff - but I found some letters that Sawyer wrote to you, and he's gone now so I thought I should explain why. _

_Oh, I should probably mention - this is Hurley. Sorry I read the letters. I know they're none of my business, but I'm all alone here on the island aside from Ben, and I was kind of lonely and missing my buddies, and it was nice to have something to read. _

_Anyway, I was gonna say, even though we didn't know each other that well, you turned out to be pretty cool, and I didn't need these letters to know that you were Sawyer's one true love. Seeing you guys together in the Dharma Initiative was awesome. Sawyer didn't always have the best life (I mean, you could kind of tell by the way he acted, even though he thought we couldn't see it), so seeing him in charge of security with a pretty girl by his side was nice. You weren't just a pretty girl, though. You were super smart, and sort of bad ass in a quiet way. Basically, Sawyer's perfect woman. He would have done anything you told him to, and I think the fact that you didn't boss him around or ever ask him to do the wrong thing made him love you even more. _

_So, here comes the part where I explain why I'm writing this instead of Sawyer. Well, after all this time, he finally got to leave the island. There was a plane, the one that I came back on with Jack and Kate, and it turns out Frank actually survived so there was a pilot to fly it, and Miles and Richard were probably with them, and Kate and Claire too...sorry if this isn't making a lot of sense. I'm still trying to work through it all in my mind, since I was sort of busy with this other stuff while it was happening. _

_I hope wherever he ends up, Sawyer keeps writing letters to you. I know it helped him a lot. I guess I'm writing to you now just in case he decides to do something stupid and never write to you again because he thinks he doesn't deserve it. He was really upset after you died. I mean, not just pissed off or sad, but a really deep down, shaken to the core kind of upset. For a while I was worried he'd go all Darth Vader on us, but he came back OK. From what he said in his letters, I think he realized you would have wanted him to go on and keep trying to get off the island, even if he couldn't bring you with him. _

_I'm not sure why you've never come to talk to me...I don't really understand the rules, or if there even _are _rules, to the whole ghost whispering thing. I think it's because you moved on, though. Desmond told me about this place we're all gonna go someday. It's just like real life, except you get to meet all the people you loved all over again, and help them remember their lives and all the crazy stuff that happened to them, good and bad. He said in the end, even the bad stuff is good because it made us who we are. As long as we can let go of the bad, we can be at peace and have all the good. _

_You know what? That Desmond is one cool cat. The stuff he told me makes being King of Mystery Island a lot easier, that's for sure. I trust him, and I know what he's saying is true, so I know that you and Sawyer will be together again someday. You'll be waiting for him, and you'll run toward each other like when Han and Leia were reunited in the Ewok village...(I really hope you've seen Return of the Jedi. Someone has to explain who Anakin is to Sawyer.)_

_Who knows, maybe some cosmic postman is going to bring this letter to the great beyond, maybe he brought all of Sawyer's letters too. Even if he didn't, say hi to Sawyer for me when you see him. I have a feeling I'm gonna be here for a while._

_OK, Ben is like, totally hovering right now, so I'm gonna wrap it up. _

_I hope you're at peace, Juliet. Sawyer needs something good to look forward to._

_Love,  
Hurley_

_PS: Just so you know, Ben turned out to be pretty cool too. Not as cool as you, but at least he's not evil anymore. We'll discuss all that the next time we see each other. _


End file.
